Why I Am the Way I Am (Partly)

When I was a teenager, my mother told me two things about sex:

1. Don't do it until you're married.
2. Once you're married, you have to do it.

Hand to God. Her words.

But this blog isn't about what you might think.

When I was 15, she handed me a hardbacked book (I forget the title) and told me to read it for more information about, you know, the dreaded thing called sex.

It was a book about eugenics, meaning Nazi-type breeding for "good genes", only dressed up in "science." It was from the 1930s.

Even at a very inexperienced 15 (we can get into my misconceptions about sex and the male body at another time), I knew this was bullshit.

And her gynecologist gave it to her.

And his last name was GERMAN.

And she was IN LOVE (well, in lust, if my mother ever felt lust) with this guy.

How do I know? She told me. She giggled about him like a schoolgirl, as the saying goes.

Holy shit.

It was only recently I put all these pieces together.

My mother gave me USA-proto-Nazi bullshit to read as a teenager to educate me about sex. Even I could see through it.

She thought it was great stuff. Hawt, even.

I was as appalled as an ignorant rural Sixties teen could be.

I still can't fully wrap my mind around it.

This incident, plus serious emotional abuse at the hands of both my parents, warped my world.

And that's all I'm going to say about my life before the age of 18.

(Seen on the internet in a Thirties eugenics book)

Seen in NY Times: Source, Yale University, Harvey Cushing/John Hay Whitney Medical Library

Better Things

Kitty

So. It's been a while.

Kitty died on March 19. She grew too sick and was in pain. It was hard to let her go. In certain ways, I have not fully grieved her passing. But one thing, other than recent travel alone and friends, has helped.

It's a TV show, and you should give it a try, especially if you're female, have female kids, and are sick of certain societal aspects. "Better Things" airs on Thursdays at 10, FX Network, but if you use the link here, you can watch all the full episodes of Season 3. There might be a link to earlier seasons.

As has become my custom, when my husband is out on Friday afternoons, I pour a glass of wine and watch the show. Season 3, episode 7 ("Toilet"), made me scream with laughter. The one I saw today (episode 10, "Show Me the Magic") made me gasp with amazement and weep for my own losses, most recently, Kitty. Even if you don't enjoy the toilet humor of episode 7, this show is real, y'all. If you watch "Show Me the Magic," you'll recognize the scene that made me gasp when you come to it, late in the show. The scene that triggered my much-sought-after tears followed.

Pamela Adlon, whom I have loved for many years, co-created the show and stars in it. FX describes her character, Sam Fox, as, "a single mother and working actor with no filter, raising her three daughters in Los Angeles. She also looks after her mother, an English expatriate with questionable faculties who lives across the street."

No filter. I love that about Sam, and I certainly can identify, as someone who has practically no filter herself.

You might hate the show. You also might not enjoy all episodes. Some are hard to watch. But it will touch you if you give it a chance, and it only gets better with each season.

If we are fortunate, we go on to better things in life eventually. I'm not sure about after death, but I believe we continue to exist on some plane--some call it "the wider life." If that is true, then Kitty is romping in a field, pain-free, and eating her favorite foods. It is my fondest hope that I will be reunited, somehow, even if only on the molecular level, with the humans and animals I have loved after I die.

The current season of "Better Things" will end soon, because all things do eventually end. Peace out.

Adlon in a funny and slightly disturbing scene from "Better Things"

Blue Skies?

image courtesy of jplenio, pixabay. Licensed by pixabay.

Skies in central Kentucky have been pretty gray and are getting me down. And yet, I feel as if blue skies might finally be showing up. My dental work looks to be at an end until April (praise Jesus), some things in my life now appear under control (not that any of us has anything under control, you understand), and I'm singing again with a renewed interest in the local classical group. Last night's first rehearsal for the April 5 concert went well, and I love the music: Mozart, Bach, Purcell, etc., all the old stuff. (Sight-reading Mozart I don't love quite as much, I admit.) 

But it's been a tough winter. They've all been tough since we moved here, each for different reasons. This year, my winter depression has increased, and I suspect the climate is to blame. I miss the cold but bright days of Massachusetts. Believe it or not, New England is generally sunnier than central KY. I've just about had it with the insufferably constant gray skies. Not having traveled in many months isn't helping, of course. Fond memories of Destin remain.

But all is not terrible. A reason to celebrate always seems nearby. I'm making art with acrylics, which feels wonderful (TG the husband goes away on Fri afternoons so I have some glorious alone time to make art!), I'm working on projects around the house--including planning the 2019 garden--I'm exercising, and friends and church provide an invisible safety net I can feel supporting me when things go badly. Feeling supported is something I relish, because much of my life, I felt little to no support.

Chores that have needed doing for one, two, even three years are slowly being dealt with. Expenses are being tracked and brought under control. Budgets aren't far behind. It's a lot of work, but the work is necessary and pleasing. On top of that, I'm decluttering, I'm cooking good food, I'm volunteering and making a difference, and Kitty seems back on an even keel after a nasty crisis at the end of last week.

All in all, everything is improving. Last fall/the holiday period were rough, with medication problems and other snafus, but as I move further into winter, I can feel the days lengthening. It reminds me that spring isn't too far off, so I need to prepare before the good weather and sunshine catch me by surprise.

My favorite season is certainly not winter, though I enjoy a New England one complete with alternating sunshine and snow (as opposed to rain, rain, rain here in KY). I need sunlight like I need oxygen and hate taking antidepressants because they are simply no substitute for the real thing. At the moment, I can't travel to sunny areas, so the trapped feeling comes and goes. But if we had some real snow followed by some bright sunshine, I'd not feel half as bad. Cross-country skiing...

I cannot wait for the end of February. That's when I'm finally able to phase off the drugs and enjoy the lengthening days. Then, March arrives, and it's time to plant the cold weather crops, and summer is on its way. Life turns up the volume at that point.

But I admit it's nice to hibernate a bit in front of a heater, reading a good novel or bingeing on old TV shows (I'm almost through season 2 of "ER", one of my old favorites).

Do you have a favorite season? I'd love to hear what it is.

Do you plan to grow a garden this year? If so, are you trying anything new?

The Unbearable Heaviness of Anxiety

Image courtesy of geralt, pixabay. Creative Commons licensed.

Tough times today. I have some major dental work scheduled this p.m. that is freaking me out. Dental work beyond a cleaning/x-rays is my biggest phobia. I have yet to find a dental practice that is as compassionate as the one I had in Massachusetts (God bless you, Dr. Poras), but until I find one, there's nitrous oxide and speaking up about things that bother me (like forbidding novocaine shot into my jaw joint rather than in the gums around the tooth, because jaw injections cause lingering pain that lasts for 8 weeks--NOPE, not dealing with that!).

The reasons for my anxiety lie in my youth, and are not important here. Suffice it to say that I need a lot of support today. I have a friend who volunteered to go with me to Lex, but I've decided to go alone and just have the gas. It worked for my recent root canal, which had me wild with agitation. And I know I alone am the best soother of me when things are rough. Call it an unexpected positive derived from learning to cope with a shitty, abusive childhood.

My serenity is seriously compromised today. I might go someplace afterwards for a snack/meal/drink because I'll be released around 5 PM and won't be able to deal with rush hour traffic in Lex. I'll need space. TG someone is home with my Kitty because she has not been well lately.

I generally take a shower before I go see any health provider. Not today. That's how wired up I am. Sorry, dudes. Hopefully I am not too stanky.

I know it will all be okay later, but for now--please drop a good thought or a prayer for me.

This is why I've never read the book/seen the movie "Marathon Man." Tortured in a dental chair? Oh, HELL, no. RL is bad enough.

New Year, New Focus

Image courtesy of geralt on pixabay. Creative Commons licensed.

It's been a while since I was here. Life got in the way--multiple dental problems, medical procedures, and general busyness. (Nothing serious is wrong, BTW.) I'll try to do better when it comes to keeping up the blog.

I have decided that visual art rather than words is the best way for me to express my creativity for now. While I might write the occasional piece for my own enjoyment, there is no money to be made in that space any more, not with Amazon's policies/KDP (which I refuse to participate in because it enriches no one but Amazon--it's a race to the bottom). I'd still write except for the fact that my regular publisher has gone out of business. She, too, cannot make money in the current environment.

I don't like the way our country's economic future looks. But that's another blog post for another time.

As for the visual art I plan to turn out, it will involve decorating useful things in fun and funky ways. I think there will be an Etsy shop in my future. I'll let you know. Need any fun small furniture items? I will ship all across the USA.

In more mundane matters, I'm slowly clearing out clutter and revamping my living space. So far, so good. I've begun exercising on an almost-daily basis again, running yesterday for the first time in weeks. I want my life back, and I am slowly reclaiming it. Not to mention I have to start training for the National Senior Games (June).

I've also spent time thinking about what I REALLY want to do this year. I am fortunate to have the luxury of a lot of free time at the moment. How do I want to spend it? What (and with whom) do I want to engage in/with?

I'm leaving huge chunks of time unscheduled each week. I haven't had a lot of free time on a regular basis since 2013. Even if my butt stays planted in the greater Berea area, it's good to know I will have a lot of thinking and dreaming time.

But I DO hope to engage in more traveling in 2019. Maybe I'll come see you!

What are your hopes/dreams/resolutions for the new year? I'd love to know.